DOSE:

50 mg

IM

Ketamine

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

Setting: Legal ketamine/psychotherapy clinic

History: Tons of social and generalized anxiety for 5+ years, resulting in GI distress 95% of days. Hard enough that I was not comfortable around my best friends, but I still held down a job.

Other drugs: None, no alcohol or cannabis for at least 1 week prior to experience

Psychedelic Experience: None

I was pretty nervous and did not sleep well the night before, maybe 4-5 hours of good sleep. I followed the instructions to a T; stopped eating and drinking 4 hours prior (last meal was at 10PM the night before), had a glass of water 2.5 hours prior. I spent some time after waking up doing progressive muscle relaxation meditations and other calming exercises.

I arrived at the clinic and sat in a very calming zen focused room before talking with the anesthesiologist. Their initial suggestion was for 75mg given intramuscular. I suggested starting at 50mg, with a secondary dose on standby if I wanted it during the experience.

I sat with the nurse and talked for several minutes, went over a few legal formalities, discussed my intentions and got comfortable. My intentions were not firmly set other than “Trust, let go, be open”, I wanted to leave it open. I chose to lay on a couch, with a weighted blanket partially covering me, a bolster under my knees and a pillow under my head.

We did a small grounding exercise (deep breathing and a quick body scan) and then I was injected. It felt just like every other needle I had received in my life. I had a blindfold on as well as some noise cancelling headphones with a wonderful playlist.

I was told to focus on my breathing, so I did that and just counted breaths. I slowly started to feel a tingling come over my body, vibrating as it made its way up my body. It gets a little fuzzy here, but I remember saying to myself (and out loud, although the nurse couldn't make out what I was saying) “Let go”, and being a little concerned about how strange everything felt. I quickly lost count of my breaths and then I was in it.

I kept questioning if I was actually tripping until I finally realized I was experiencing something. I opened my eyes under the blindfold and couldn’t tell the difference between eyes open and eyes closed. I saw a vast star field and some strange shapes and color distortion. There was a little light coming in from the bottom of the mask (the room was dimmed) and it was a pure white light hidden behind this black field that wanted to get in, but couldn't. Realizing I was tripping, I tried raising my right arm and it felt very sluggish and slightly disconnected from me, but I still had control.

I remember smiling at this point and really letting go. The visual distortions never took shape, they were the surface of the universe and a vague vertical third eye right in the center of my field of vision. I briefly glided over the surface of the universe. I remember mouthing the words “Oh my god” “This is amazing”, I could feel my mouth moving a little but it felt very disconnected.

It felt euphoric, I was so overjoyed at everything. I had visions of myself leaving the clinic and shouting joyfully into the world because I could feel what it was like to live without the constant burden of anxiety and stress on top of me.

I haven’t mentioned the music yet, but it was with me the whole time. I was in tune with the music, it felt so real and it rose and fall and swam in my head and with me. I could hear every little sound embedded in the track and follow it around from left to right. It guided the experience very well.

I remember being apart from myself and coaching myself, saying it was okay to let go and I tried bringing in negative thoughts into the experience, my father, some traumatic experiences, death. I intentionally tried to bring them in and think about it, but they didn't stick, they came and left almost instantly.

At some point, I recall being asked if I wanted the second shot. This would have been the 15 minute mark. I declined because I felt wonderful. The interruption took me slightly out of the experience but I quickly fell back in. I began to question if I should have taken the second shot, and these thoughts came and went until I asked for it (this was at the 30 minute mark, it was suggested I not take it as it wouldn't have any effect).

I remember hearing gongs/bells in the audio track and all I could think about was Tsarist era Russia, like I was trying to live in a play during that time period. The reverberations of the bells really brought me back into the experience.

After the bells, the track changed (very seamlessly) and I was into a new experience. I felt like I was just below the surface of a puddle of water, but I was the puddle. I started to be able to think about what my experience was like and how I was going to recollect it people. My mind was a little caught up in the future.

After this point it was a little hazy, I slowly started to come back to my body and become more aware of physical sensations, but the music was still very strong and kept my attention inside. Eventually I settled into a comfortable semi-dreamlike state and got a tap on the shoulder that it had been and hour and twenty minutes.

I slowly came to and removed the blindfold, my muscles were a little stiff and I was a little light headed but still fully cognizant and capable of talking. I recounted my experience to the nurse and then ate some snacks and drank some tea and waited for my ride. I felt really really good, really calm.

My ride and I went for lunch and talked about it. I was dropped off at home, I turned off the lights, crawled into bed and listened to music for a couple hours and then took a nap. It’s 9 hours post experience right now and I notice a few things. I don’t want to be on my phone, I don't want to watch TV, it’s off and it was easy to turn it off. Usually it’s very challenging for me to do that. Writing this was really easy, I sat down and put it all out there, usually I would procrastinate or fixate on other things, avoid doing any work, chase any distraction. I feel a little back to who I was several years ago, able to focus, able to be realistic.

My overall thoughts: It was a great experience, and I will likely complete the treatments (4-6 times). It was really strange to be aware of myself from another perspective, but still have some semblance of control over my state of mind and body. I was partially expecting to be completely lost and having a religious conversion, but it wasn't as intense as that. No really deep insights into my psyche or big revelations.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117181
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 33
Published: Dec 23, 2024	Views: 15
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